The year that was...

Dear Lord, Thank you for 2011. It may not be the best year that I had but it sure is one of the most memorable and heart breaking year for me. I learned a lot. Especially about life and money and of course about boys. Thank you for my family who's always been there for me no matter how spoiled I may be. I know I don't deserve all of these but I am grateful for all the things I have right now. I may not be completely happy when it comes to my love life but I guess I don't need that right now. I know you'll give me the best... in time. I won't be impatient, I just need to appreciate what I have and be contented and make the most out of it. Thank you as well for the strength that you've given me. I may be asking for more for the next remaining days of the year but I might as well get over what I'm feeling right now and make a brand new start next year :) So much to say... But thank you for everything. I have learned a lot this year. 

My younger version :)

 Through the years... 

My 1st schooling experience :) My Mom would always, always, let me wear this huge black and white head band, which is the only color allowed in the school. I love going to this playroom, which is non-existent anymore, they improved the pre-school part in SPCP. If I remember it right, I would sneak to go up that second story mini house and never make it, because my teacher, Teacher Lucy, always catches me. Too bad. Funny though, until I graduated high school in this school, Teacher Lucy is still "Ms. Lucy Laluyan". Wonder if she ever got married? 

Told ya! Still sporting that huge head band, bigger than my head and makes my head look bigger. Same spot! Same classmates. When I was young, I used to part of the smartest classes in school. What happened? 

I remember this day, didn't know that our pictures will be taken. Look how messy my hair looks. 

I'm not even looking at the camera. LOL Before that moment, my friends and I are actually running around because I think that was after lunch. And that's our moment... to play. And play. ADHD-ish :)

Grade 2, still in the best section :) Hanggang jan nalang :P

Skipped to Grade 6, I don't have a scanned version of my class pictures between grade 3 - 5. Plus those were not really of good quality :P I wasn't able to do the McDo sign since the one beside me is big and her arms are so long, look at those. That whole line, I love all of them. Even though we've grown apart. I so have many memories with them :)

And my last year in high school :) What happened to Karilagan's quality? Super edited. I miss my friends here... really. 

I'll get there, soon.

It's more than 3 weeks now and because of too much drama and pain I guess I just never had the courage to let it all out. Honestly, I'm still not okay. I just have to endure whatever this is that I'm feeling now. I'm happy that I can eat now, I can sleep without nightmares (except for the constant dreams about him) which, kinda suck. :| And yes, I'm flooded with school stuff, papers and dilemmas in practicum, I'm thankful for that! That's exactly what I need so I won't dwell on the things that hurt me... 

Goody goody: Day 6

It's supposed to be a 'Breaking Dawn' night. Too bad we weren't able to get seats. 

Coffee and Dinner with B's at Glorietta. 

Love you B's! Thanks for the night! :) 

More of these... soon!

Goody goody: Day 5

I wasn't able to blog last night... I was tipsy. BUT I had so much fun!!


I appreciate my wonderful new batchmates who made me laugh and cry. I may not be as close to them as they are to each other but I feel their warmth and I feel that I belong to them. It wasn't easy being close to them because of:  the age and I think they think I'm killjoy or something. But I'm not like that.

Here are some pictures of last night~~

I promise I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm already sleepy :|

I thought I was over...

I never thought I would cry again, though its been 10 days. But then, seeing my friends from the office whom he works with is just terrible. Pain is just unbearable and its coming back. It hurts a lot. And I miss him. I never miss him as much as I am missing him now and I can't help but cry and remember all our memories together. Every single thing that we did every little memory. They're all coming back now. And it hurts. It hurts that I love him and he doesn't even care about me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me.





But I still love you. I really do Jaycee. :(

Goody goody: Day 3

Lovers can be friends.


Never have I thought that me and my 3 year boyfriend will be friends. Not after what he did to me. But one day, it just happened. I don't feel anything about him anymore. It's kinda good. I feel lighter. It's as if I forgot everything he did to me :) It's as if I have amnesia or something. I'm happy for him and kinda jealous cause he found someone already. At one point, I thought I found someone else too. But nah! This is better. I can talk to anyone I like, I can hang out with anyone I like. 


I love my life right now and I don't need a guy to make me happy. I'm happy being me :) Thank you God! You're the best!!

Goody goody: Day 2

Day 2: Friends Forever

So I wasn't expecting to talk to my friend from CVG. She has a point. I broke up with him not with them so it's really unfair for me to just forget them. We may have misunderstandings but the friendship is still there. I felt better than ever when we talked. She even told me that she doesn't really care about my ex boyfriend or what in the world he did :) One thing's for sure! She's there for me. And I can't wait for me to see them this Wednesday! More drama? Hope not! :) I want to laugh, like real laugh with them and booze and every thing! Ugh! I wish I wasn't that stupid, but come one, it was just like a week now! :) Almost two weeks I should say :P~

Goodnight world! :) Rushing my blog, not good :| 

Life is shorter than you think...

So why waste time feeling sad when you can actually celebrate what life has to offer? :) Kick out the negativity in your life! There are beautiful things out there waiting to be discovered. Open your mind and your heart. Whatever sad thoughts you have, let it go. It's better to live without hatred. Free your soul! :) And thank God for every thing!

Something to ponder on

"You can't control the things that happen to you but you can control the way you react to them, it's all perception." - You Again

Goody goody: Day 1

Day 1: Everyone wants what they can't have. But if you begin to love what you have, you won't need anything else.

So I'm starting with this new page that I thought of just the other day.

Where did I get the concept? Well it's basically like this, I just broke up with my boyfriend, whom I am truly, madly, deeply in love with last week and I just feel like there's no more thrill anymore. He doesn't seem excited as much as I thought he will be after not seeing each other for two weeks. It's like I was with a stranger. I wasn't at ease. He seemed so far when I was just standing right next to him. And I asked myself, am I still happy about this? It never occurred to me to answer it with a yes. Cause maybe, I really wasn't. So I ended it, and as much as I want to deny it. I cried, for so many times. So many memories, for a short span of time. There were just a lot of good times to cherish. And, until now, every time it crosses my mind, I can't help but smile and hope that I was still on that period of time. We were together for a couple months and yet my happiness was unbelievable. It was bliss. I never really thought someone like him could make me feel so happy about myself and I was just happy and in love. I love so many things about him, every detail that my mind can remember. 

At first, it's so hard for me to accept that he told me that I deserve someone else and he was sorry because he can't give back the love that I was giving him. It was unbearable. But it was a good thing that I ended it right then and there. And I swore I won't get anywhere near him, nor I would run after him and talk to his friends and even our common friends. I just hope they would understand me. Aside from the fact that it is humiliating, it's just so hard to face them knowing that the guy I adore, didn't really love me. I can't answer their questions, I can't face them, I can't cry in front of them. Not that I really can't, but I'd rather not. It's too painful for me now. And I think it would be better to keep my mouth shut and just let my closest friends know about it. 

Sucks to be me.

Every day is a battle for me. Fighting sadness, the thought of being alone makes me sick that I make sure I plan ahead of time. I always want to talk to somebody, an old friend and also make new friends. It's just part of me moving on. Not that I really have a choice. I hate to admit but I still hope that one day, he'll wake up and miss me so bad and look out for me :'( I still love him but it's just so obvious that he doesn't. I always tell myself, I would never force someone to like me back, if he doesn't like me, be it. I just wish he knew, I am still here. Hoping. Wondering. Missing him. Thinking about him. EVERY DAY. Sometimes, I just stop what I'm doing, think about him and cry. Like now. The worst part is that? He didn't even ran after me. He just said sorry and let me leave. It's really painful. He didn't really love me.

I felt miserable for a week now, but I have to be strong, he's not the only guy left in this world and I won't let a break up ruin my life. 

It's hard to go on and stare at the clock, watch the time pass by, kill time by thinking of him. And sometimes, I try as hard not to think of him. I'll think of other things that would divert my mind from him. 

That gave me an idea to do something more productive rather than cry, think, stare and reminisce. I would love to look at the brighter side of every day that I miss him and continuously love him.

There are so many good things in my life right now... I'll have to start of with my loving family. Even though we're not complete. Without my father. I love them. Sh*t happens, misunderstandings and all crap but still in the end, they'll be the one to catch you when every thing's just f*cked up. And every thing that I do is for them. We are interconnected and it's just important, next to God :) And living without them is just incomplete. They may never know how important they are to me, but truly, they are. I may not be expressive in my actions and words to them but I really do value their existence and moral support. I love them and that's what I'm really thanking for this day. There are a lot and I still have a lot of time to enumerate them. I'll take this one day at a time and I know for sure I won't run out of reasons to thank God for :) I am certain about that. <3

I swear it's de ja vu.

Day 1: 23 years old 


Last last year, my boyfriend and I broke up. I think it was because of third party or whatever...  I was blogging and crying. I remember I was home alone and that made me felt more miserable than ever :) I kinda laughed about it every time I look back to it.

And now, damn! It's happening again! I broke up again with my boyfriend. And when I was pouring out my feelings, I was crying like crazy. Pathetic. But it's a little relief for me, at least I feel lighter. I feel better. But you know the pain is still there. Comparing this break up from the previous break up, this is just nothing. Thing is, I was so happy with him and without him is just so sad. Miserable. My life changed when I was with him. It was too good to be true. But I didn't care. Once I like something or once I love something, I don't really think of what's going to happen next. It's as if I'm overwhelm with what's happening in my life. I don't really want to give details because I just want to forget everything about him. It's just impossible, there are just so many good things and happy moments that I couldn't just put to waste. My relationship with his family especially with his Mom :( She's just so nice to me. And what hurts most is that she told me to never leave his son. And I said of course. But I really can't take it anymore. But whatever my decision is, it's for the good of everyone. 


One day, I'll read this blog again. And I'll laugh about this. :) I'm happy I got out of that relationship, Part of me is just wishing he's still thinking of me.

To believe or not to believe?

I have a friend who can read palms and I think she's sort of a psychic. I was so curious about what's going to happen in my life and so I laid my palms in front of her... Just so I won't forget what she told me (because to tell you honestly, I don't have a good memory and maybe I will forget all the things that she said to me) I will write it down here. 


She told me that I will be able to leave the country and my life will be better outside Philippines. I told her, "So I really have to leave the country?" She told me no, "There will be a reason for you to leave the country, either through your partner, your job or your brother." I know I shouldn't believe this black magic-fortune-telling kind of stuff but then again, although she's one of my closest friends, I never mentioned to her that my brother and I had a "plan" and I was shocked that she told me that. Okay. Maybe it will really happen, sometime next year. 


I also asked her my love life, few months back she told me my love life is a mess. I was with his niece that time and he was really the playful type. She told me to think about settling down with this guy cause she knew that he already fooled me so many times. She predicted that I will have three kids and my husband will leave me. Heartbreaking. I know. But when I asked her about is yesterday, she told me maybe she was wrong. She told me now that still I won't have a good lovelife in comparison with my sister's, which I'm kind of envious :) I can't remember the exact same words that she used (told you I don't have a good memory) or maybe it's just that I didn't internalize it because I don't want to remember. I have a boyfriend now, Filipino, American Citizen, raised in Japan. I asked her whether HE is the one and she answered me with a question, "Maloko ba siya?" I answered her with another question, "Bakit?" and my heart was beating faster. As much as I don't want to admit it yes, he is. He was, I should say, he told me he wouldn't be as flirt as he was before we met. I'll just take his word on that. Trust? Yeah, I know. She also asked some questions about him so I did. She asked me if he have relatives in Canada or Australia, I told him none that I know of, but he has relatives in U.S and Japan. So out of my curiosity, I asked my boyfriend, I didn't mention any of the two countries my friend asked me. He told me he has relatives in Australia, but they're not close. Okay, so I felt goosebumps. Should I believe now? No, I still don't, cause the next thing she told me was, the one for me is the last guy in my life. So what she's trying to imply is that, my present boyfriend and I will break up... soon, or anytime in the future. But it's still my decision. It's on me. And since I love him, I won't let him go just yet, he's nice and sweet and all that so I won't let some kind of fortune-telling influence me. And he didn't do anything stupid, no reason for me to let him go. And he loves me. She told me that the last one, that last guy, is a Filipino and he's in that country that I will go to. Still up to me. Whatever. And for some sort, there will come a time that my life will be a disaster because there will be a guy from the past who will ruin everything that is smooth-sailing. I wonder who that is? Still, up to me. I was thinking, how will he be able to ruin my life? When I'm in a relationship, I just talk with my friends, guy and girl friends, I really don't mess up or even flirt with other guys. So whatever.


My Mom's fortune was about health, her lifeline is getting shorter and shorter, that's what she told her. And when my grandma's fortune was told, she mentioned that she will also be able to go to other country just like me. She told me we are some sort of connected. I asked her will she be leaving the country soon? She answered, "You will get her." My sister asked, "How about Mom?", "You will also get her." Thing is, it's not in her palms. I mean it's just my mind over thinking about stuff. I asked myself, why will I get my grandma first if my Mom is still here? It's not in her palms that she will be able to make it outside the country. As heartbreaking as it may seem, I think my grandma has a longer life than my Mom. It's just a thought since, nothing here is true and no one can dictate or predict what's going to happen in our lives. It may be a guide or whatever we think it is but it's still in our hands. Nothing is for sure, our past, our history is based from our decisions. Our future is in our hands so whatever it is that is set for us, good or bad it's still up to our present lives.

I can tweak my future, I can edit it. It's all up to me. Whatever I like, whatever I don't like. With God in my life I know everything will be in its place in time. :)


Happy Tuesday <3

Sister and I, Webcam Photos <3

A trending topic in twitter...

#TheresNoWayInHell that i'll talk to you first, you're making everything a big deal, you're not hurt, you're exaggerating. Move on and forget the past, don't hold grudges. Learn from it and leave it alone for chrissake. It's as if i'm the one older than you and don't ever think that i'll make the same mistakes as you did. Worrying will get you nowhere! I have a different life, a different perspective in life. Just let me learn on my own, let me explore and prove to you that I can. I may be needing your advice but please understand that you can't be there for me every single step that I make.

This is actually for my Mom. 

I love!

I love The Vampire Diaries :) So much!

Course Requirement :)

You know when you just want to play games infront of the computer? Eat? Lay down? Read a book? BUT YOU JUST CAN'T... simply because you're a student and you have lots and LOTS of responsibilities. (Ugh I know!) And that includes... the gazillion course requirements. Is it just me or my course requirements are way down the line? Hey I would prefer a coffee break, or hot chocolate instead. NOT SO GOOD NEWS IS... most of them are all about writing. Yeah, baby. Writing. And I am pleased to say, I kinda like those :) :) :) Bad news is, some of it should be written in Tagalog. Which kinds sucks. Not that I'm anti tagalog or something. I am pure filipina, i speak FLUENTLY and whole heartedly tagalog but then, you know sometimes when you're trying to say something, you just can't cause you don't know how or what the exact translation is in tagalog? SO you end up replacing the v's and f's with b's and p's. Which is kinda pathetic. And sometimes, I wish there's exact translation for every english word that we were taught. So that it'd be easier and faster :) 

Scramble, with a twist!

My lunch a while ago :) 


(medium, additional milk x 2, additional crisps or pinipig, additional mallows and chocolate syrup)

The First.

I'm a frustrated writer. I have 2 other blogs, but this one I chose to keep it anonymous. 


I appreciate writing activities in school most especially the reaction papers, reflection papers and all kinds of writing stuff that we were asked to do. I enjoy writing. But sometimes, I feel like my work is too... simple. I don't try hard to make it complicated. I don't use words that I myself aren't familiar with. I try it to do in my own simple ways. That's why I named my blog, freestyle.