Day 1: Everyone wants what they can't have. But if you begin to love what you have, you won't need anything else.
So I'm starting with this new page that I thought of just the other day.
Where did I get the concept? Well it's basically like this, I just broke up with my boyfriend, whom I am truly, madly, deeply in love with last week and I just feel like there's no more thrill anymore. He doesn't seem excited as much as I thought he will be after not seeing each other for two weeks. It's like I was with a stranger. I wasn't at ease. He seemed so far when I was just standing right next to him. And I asked myself, am I still happy about this? It never occurred to me to answer it with a yes. Cause maybe, I really wasn't. So I ended it, and as much as I want to deny it. I cried, for so many times. So many memories, for a short span of time. There were just a lot of good times to cherish. And, until now, every time it crosses my mind, I can't help but smile and hope that I was still on that period of time. We were together for a couple months and yet my happiness was unbelievable. It was bliss. I never really thought someone like him could make me feel so happy about myself and I was just happy and in love. I love so many things about him, every detail that my mind can remember.
At first, it's so hard for me to accept that he told me that I deserve someone else and he was sorry because he can't give back the love that I was giving him. It was unbearable. But it was a good thing that I ended it right then and there. And I swore I won't get anywhere near him, nor I would run after him and talk to his friends and even our common friends. I just hope they would understand me. Aside from the fact that it is humiliating, it's just so hard to face them knowing that the guy I adore, didn't really love me. I can't answer their questions, I can't face them, I can't cry in front of them. Not that I really can't, but I'd rather not. It's too painful for me now. And I think it would be better to keep my mouth shut and just let my closest friends know about it.
Sucks to be me.
Every day is a battle for me. Fighting sadness, the thought of being alone makes me sick that I make sure I plan ahead of time. I always want to talk to somebody, an old friend and also make new friends. It's just part of me moving on. Not that I really have a choice. I hate to admit but I still hope that one day, he'll wake up and miss me so bad and look out for me :'( I still love him but it's just so obvious that he doesn't. I always tell myself, I would never force someone to like me back, if he doesn't like me, be it. I just wish he knew, I am still here. Hoping. Wondering. Missing him. Thinking about him. EVERY DAY. Sometimes, I just stop what I'm doing, think about him and cry. Like now. The worst part is that? He didn't even ran after me. He just said sorry and let me leave. It's really painful. He didn't really love me.
I felt miserable for a week now, but I have to be strong, he's not the only guy left in this world and I won't let a break up ruin my life.
It's hard to go on and stare at the clock, watch the time pass by, kill time by thinking of him. And sometimes, I try as hard not to think of him. I'll think of other things that would divert my mind from him.
That gave me an idea to do something more productive rather than cry, think, stare and reminisce. I would love to look at the brighter side of every day that I miss him and continuously love him.
There are so many good things in my life right now... I'll have to start of with my loving family. Even though we're not complete. Without my father. I love them. Sh*t happens, misunderstandings and all crap but still in the end, they'll be the one to catch you when every thing's just f*cked up. And every thing that I do is for them. We are interconnected and it's just important, next to God :) And living without them is just incomplete. They may never know how important they are to me, but truly, they are. I may not be expressive in my actions and words to them but I really do value their existence and moral support. I love them and that's what I'm really thanking for this day. There are a lot and I still have a lot of time to enumerate them. I'll take this one day at a time and I know for sure I won't run out of reasons to thank God for :) I am certain about that. <3
